There is so much that can be said right now as I dissect the last few months, but here is the overall chain of events as I know them. There is a lot more detail but this is the big picture.
Idan Bitton had been planning on breaking up with me for some time, no matter the reason it is what it is.
He wanted to come on this vacation so we would have a nice ending to our relationship. I didnt know that. Nor did I know he had already met another man, some guy named Craig (his info on facebook). Keep in mind he was making plans for Monday night with this guy, our anniversary, and planning on canceling on me last minute. I discovered all this when I looked in his cell phone. Yeah something I shouldn’t have done, but I did it anyway. I own being a sneaky whatever on this one.
I also read a bunch of messages the two of them sent back and forth about my love being “cute, for a show” which shot hot daggers through me. When I read this and Idan’s reply, I got in the car and left him at the beach. Later, offering to give him a ride to any transportation center he needed me to take him to.
There is much more craziness around this event that is not important, like he broke my flip flops chasing me, I drove away with him banging on the car, etc… it was not pretty. I am not proud of this moment, but I was devastated at his duplicity. I felt like I had been stabbed with hot knives. I wanted to be dead at th moment.
Only the night before we had soaked in the hot tub and drank champagne and things seemed like they were working out.
Some how this turned from, “hey I want to live on my own”, to “I want to date this other guy”. Oh I forgot to mention that when I busted him in the lie, he told me the guy was some drag queen he met and even had a photo to show me. Instead of just telling me the truth. He tells me he was protecting me.
We parted ways at Avilia, I went to LA to see Adam and Lisa (my brother and his girlfriend) and he flew home early. I now need to work out getting him his stuff and getting my keys back and what to do about the dogs.
Dan is helping me sort of clean up the house as needed. I am going to place all the things that make me sad into a box and file them away for a while. I am not the kind of guy that destroys stuff like that.
What sucks so much about all this is that I gave Idan everything I had emotionally, just everything, I tried very hard to make this work and I love him very much. I really want him to be happy and find his way in life. I had hoped it would be together with me, but that is not going to happen.
I am not perfect and I own a lot of mistakes, I can be impatient, erratic, manic, and down right crazed at time. But one thing is I love him.
I never lied to him and I always gave it every bit I could to make it work - from helping him at Culinary, helping him pay for it, giving him rides back and forth, letting him live in my home, sharing my life with him, being a good boyfriend to him as he traveled to Israel and Central America and beyond. All of me was his.
As you can imagine it now hurts to have that disregarded so easily, but one of the things that age and some therapy help you sort out is what is yours and what is the other persons to own as well as perspective. I realized in the last few months that the nostalgic Idan that used to smile with a huge smile when he saw me had become trapped in something he didnt want anymore. I cannot recall that last time he smiled when with me. That hurts. It hurts he was already moving on. I am in a lot of pain right now.
I have no idea what will come next! I wish him all the best and love and everything he ever dreams of.
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