I am in the process of looking at buying a new place! Here is some of the info. It is designed by the pretty well known SHoP Architects. The project is called “Garden Street Lofts“. Here are some snippets:

Located at the corner of 14th Street and Garden Street, Garden Street Lofts is the first high-rise residential building going for LEED certification as a sustainable building in the Hoboken, NJ area. The development consists of the renovation and conversion of a five-story 35,400 sq. ft. former coconut warehouse, originally constructed in 1911, to luxury residential condominium use.

In achieving sustainable design elements, Garden Street Lofts implements high-end HVAC systems which allow for fresh filtered air and a cleaner, healthy interior living environment. In addition to highly efficient mechanical systems, the residence’s overall low energy use is enabled by the large windows and open plan, reducing the amount of heating and cooling per individual unit.

Custom fabricated zinc panel system is a pre-weathered metal requiring no treatment such as painting or any other coatings. It absorbs and reflects light in distinctive ways giving off a different appearance at various times throughout the day. 

Seems pretty cool, right??

I have always been troubled by this power G-d has to revivify the dead. It freaks me out, just to be really up front.

But yesterday I had a thought, after all I have been through in the last month, I have been feeling dead inside. Like everything takes 100000 times the effort, I am walking through molasses, and I have no more soul inside. It is hidden behind klippot of extraordinary thickness.

Then yesterday I had a little light go off: the power of the words of G-d are that they can have so many meanings. These exact same words that I used to roll my eyes at suddenly took on a very different meaning: G-d have the love, power, and might to ‘raise’ me from me current ‘death’.

I was reminded once again that the olympics are upon us. I have more than a couple friends who are very excited about this.

I find myself yawning and hoping it ends quickly without me having to notice.

It is party because I do no understand the capacity in people to sit and watch sports. In this round it is compounded by my cool feelings towards China. Yeah international politics are complicated, but a society that traffics in the organs of prisoners is a bit much for me.

If you are reading this for the first time please do not think I give my nation a ‘pass’!! There are indeed no victims, only continual victimizers.

I am not a nativist, nor a xenophobe, simply victim of the importation of inexpensive Asain labor for our grad schools coming back to haunt us.

So yeah, let’s just be thankful the olympics are smack in the middle of beachtime!!!

You wanna hear another great story of how much of a sucker I am? While Idan Bitton was making dates on our anniversary and doing lord knows what. I was thinking about how hard it would be for him to go live on his own here in NYC.

As a gesture to him, to let him know I support him, I noticed that he liked this particular wine at Iron Horse vinyards: 2003 T-bar-T Benchmark and bought a bottle.

As we stood at the vineyard, me thinking he was just “confused” and looking for some clarity in his life, not knowing he was cheating on me and being really duplicitous, I did this little thing I used to do to show affection to him; I would touch the top of his right ear, this time saying, “hey, I love you, and I want you to be happy, I am going to get us a bottle and we can toast your new place.”

In retrospect his silence was an indication of his duplicity. I should have observed this at the time, but as I have been told recently: do not be too self critical about this, you loved the man and you were doing the best you could to show that.

One of the most fun parts of all this Idan Bitton crap is how much of a liar he became. Here is the text of one of his last messages to me:

Well u might u are smart and on to something but craig is that black girl i met and that last one was sent just cause i knew you were looking on the phone, well here u created the drama u wanted, cause nothing is going on…

Keep in mind this is Craig Baldwin, and this is the “black girl” he showed me on his camera to support his lie.

Funny thing is, last I saw the little ‘confused’ liar he was still using my borrowed phone.

Yesterday was an interesting day in the life of our protagonist! I was having a crazy time at work - the norm these days - when I get a text message from a friend asking me if I wanted to go see George Michael at MSG. I am not a fan of his, nor of concerts in general. I tend to not enjoy the crowd and lines.

The day ended and I met a friend for a quick meal before we walked over to MSG. As we crossed 33rd at 8th, his phone beeped and we paused for about 3 seconds. The pause prevented me from running physically into Idan, who, judging by his clothing was out on the town on a date with some old looking guy.

As I got slightly light headed and felt that sensation of both wanting to throw up and having been nailed in the testicles. I watched them as they stood by the entrance to the trains on the opposite corner, but kept walking.

Three things flashed through my mind, and then a forth about 1 minute later:

1. wow he looks ok, I am glad he is ok
2. wow he look happy, that sucks, I am hurting deeply, why is he so happy?
3. wow he is smiling and laughing, I know how much fun that Idan is, and I miss that Idan, since it was hidden from me for the last 6 months or more
4. then about 1 min later: I want to put his head through that plate glass window he was standing in front of

Now of course I wouldn’t harm him, but it represents the anger I have at his duplicity, terrible treatment of me, how he used me for a place to live while he pretended to “figure things out”, etc…

Then, about 5 minutes later, I just started to grin. Why? I am free of it all. Freedom, as the third encore of the evening reminded me.

The concert was neat, mostly I was impressed with the visuals. Very cool.

What I realized at the end of the evening is that your mind has a wonderful ability to focus in on the .000001% you do not have and completely forget the 99.999999% you do have.

Another funny part is that he has told my friend Dan that he intends to return a few things he has of mine, including my keys. The joke is that these kind of people only ever return the cheap shit, never the computers, watches, etc… you give them out of kindness and love. They tend to return the small very meaningful items to remind you just how little they regard the love you gave them.

Even though we had nothing in common because he hates G-d and fish and I hate shows and parties (as he stated), being a multidisciplinary man is a way of life for me and I only dislike something after experiencing it. This never rules out exposure and involvement in these activities, only a preference. Simply put, this is the difference between a worldly adult and a kid.

I am sure you are not shocked at this statement!

It has been about 2 weeks and Bono is missing. I hope he either has a nice new owner or his demise was humane. It is just really sad to sustain such hit to lose a beloved pet.

I have all this space suddenly! My closet is empty, my dresser is empty, my house is really empty. I have been avoiding putting things into the empty space. No real reason, I just don’t want to look at it right now.

But I placed a sweater into the dresser and just started to cry. In like 5 seconds. Amazing.

So here I am at two weeks out from the mess. I am sitting at a friends house in Manhattan after a long week at work and looking through photos. I was told my facebook photos were scary and out of date. So out cones the laptop where I have some 9000 photos of my life ranging back to the mid 90’s. It started to become really hard as we looked through photos of Idan and me over the last 4 years.

What changed? Where did it go wrong? Who was he then vs. who is he now? What the fuck happened? What happened between this kiss (at left) and this distance and unhappiness on his face in the other photo?

And Jesus it sucks about Bono.

It sucks that he is trying to put this all behind him while I am trying to figure out where my life went.

When I think about how deeply I love him I start to get angry.

But it isn’t like I didn’t know this would happen, I met him when he was 21 and I was 31. I knew he had a lot of growing and changing to do. Even at my age I know that we are still evolving, let alone 21.

I recall my 20’s. Boy do I!

I had assumed we had a bond that would allow up to weather any storm. The things he said to me over the last 4 here were reason enough. I have cards, notes, emails, and memories that attest.

So while he might be working to put his past behind himself. I, again, am missing a guy who I love, who I would forgive anything.

If only I were asked.

Today has been hard so far. It is strange how certain things just set you off. I was taking care of breaking apart the family plan that used to comprise me, Idan, Katie and my mother.

Part of this was to disconnect Idan’s old phone. I had always imagined this moment so differently. I had imagined one of two things; he would decide to move back to Israel and I would need to turn it off or I would be moving with him and all the phones would need to be terminated.

I never imagined, sitting in my office, feeling like crap, triggered like this.

I am thinking back to how badly I missed him when he would be in Israel and how hard it was to be apart from him. This pain I feel right now is so much more intense, probably because I have to remind myself that he isn’t flying into Newark next week. More likely, we will not speak for a while to come.

The funny thing is that I don’t feel like I wasted 3.5 years on this, like I did some of my other relationships. I had a wonderful time with Idan; we did some cool things, were there for each other, and only in the end did it get bad. Maybe it was so good, when it was, that is why it hurts as bad as it does.

There is so much that can be said right now as I dissect the last few months, but here is the overall chain of events as I know them. There is a lot more detail but this is the big picture.

Idan Bitton had been planning on breaking up with me for some time, no matter the reason it is what it is.

He wanted to come on this vacation so we would have a nice ending to our relationship. I didnt know that. Nor did I know he had already met another man, some guy named Craig (his info on facebook). Keep in mind he was making plans for Monday night with this guy, our anniversary, and planning on canceling on me last minute. I discovered all this when I looked in his cell phone. Yeah something I shouldn’t have done, but I did it anyway. I own being a sneaky whatever on this one.

I also read a bunch of messages the two of them sent back and forth about my love being “cute, for a show” which shot hot daggers through me. When I read this and Idan’s reply, I got in the car and left him at the beach. Later, offering to give him a ride to any transportation center he needed me to take him to.

There is much more craziness around this event that is not important, like he broke my flip flops chasing me, I drove away with him banging on the car, etc… it was not pretty. I am not proud of this moment, but I was devastated at his duplicity. I felt like I had been stabbed with hot knives. I wanted to be dead at th moment.

Only the night before we had soaked in the hot tub and drank champagne and things seemed like they were working out.

Some how this turned from, “hey I want to live on my own”, to “I want to date this other guy”. Oh I forgot to mention that when I busted him in the lie, he told me the guy was some drag queen he met and even had a photo to show me. Instead of just telling me the truth. He tells me he was protecting me.

We parted ways at Avilia, I went to LA to see Adam and Lisa (my brother and his girlfriend) and he flew home early. I now need to work out getting him his stuff and getting my keys back and what to do about the dogs.

Dan is helping me sort of clean up the house as needed. I am going to place all the things that make me sad into a box and file them away for a while. I am not the kind of guy that destroys stuff like that.

What sucks so much about all this is that I gave Idan everything I had emotionally, just everything, I tried very hard to make this work and I love him very much. I really want him to be happy and find his way in life. I had hoped it would be together with me, but that is not going to happen.

I am not perfect and I own a lot of mistakes, I can be impatient, erratic, manic, and down right crazed at time. But one thing is I love him.

I never lied to him and I always gave it every bit I could to make it work - from helping him at Culinary, helping him pay for it, giving him rides back and forth, letting him live in my home, sharing my life with him, being a good boyfriend to him as he traveled to Israel and Central America and beyond. All of me was his.

As you can imagine it now hurts to have that disregarded so easily, but one of the things that age and some therapy help you sort out is what is yours and what is the other persons to own as well as perspective. I realized in the last few months that the nostalgic Idan that used to smile with a huge smile when he saw me had become trapped in something he didnt want anymore. I cannot recall that last time he smiled when with me. That hurts. It hurts he was already moving on. I am in a lot of pain right now.

I have no idea what will come next! I wish him all the best and love and everything he ever dreams of.